Self

Self–it’s such a weird concept. Your identity. Tell me who you are in a simple three words…if only it were that simple.

I–like many other people–usually don’t have an answer to this request. I would tell you: I am _______, but not all the time, because I can also be ___________.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about the words that you attach to self…self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, self-care, self-doubt, etc.

For a long time, I equated my self-worth (replace with any other synonym here) with what others thought of me. Again, I’m sure this is the case for many people.

In my experience, it would always be that what others thought or did would always matter more than what I thought or did. If my friends told me that the way I styled my hair that was weird, then I would never style it that way again. If they thought that my handwriting was cool, then it really must be cool.

It led me to a point in my life that the only word that I could use to describe myself is indecisive.

This extended well beyond my friends as well. Say I had a crush on a boy, what HE thought, said, did would become synonymous with my self-worth, my attitude for the day. I didn’t even think about what I wanted, didn’t think about what his actions would mean to ME, if I even liked him to that extent.

I’m working on it though.

I’ve realized that my opinions matter, even if they don’t align with everyone else’s. I’ve realized that it’s okay if a person does something I don’t like, like not responding the way I want them to. It doesn’t have to make me or break me. It doesn’t have to send my brain into a tailspin about why that person did what they did and what it means about what THEY think of me.

I can’t control them. I can only control the madness in my head (kinda).

Above all, I matter and I am enough and that’s enough for me.

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