A complex ball of unease

I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about the pandemic, mostly because there’s so much in my head that I’m not sure I can even articulate. And yet, here I am because I don’t know any other way to process all of this.

We’re in week seven of quarantine. I’m in my hometown with my family. I’m working from home and have no idea when I’m going back to New York.

Have you ever craved home even though you are home? I love my family and I’m immensely grateful for having one, especially during this time. And yet, I find myself yearning for my other home, New York. I don’t know why. It’s not like I could do anything there. I would be isolated in my apartment instead of in a home with my family members. And yet, I miss it. I crave it. Maybe I long for the independence, excitement and normalcy that has become my life in New York. Maybe in some twisted way, I want to be a part of the community New Yorkers seem to find in any situation.

While at home, I find myself thinking or rather overthinking more than I usually do. I’m left alone to the devices in my brain that convince me that people don’t want to hear from me, that I’m bothering people by reaching, that I’m unwanted by those I love most.

My head’s not the nicest place to be sometimes, at least for me. If you’re someone that I care about, a string of wholehearted praises could follow. For me, on the other hand, those praises are replaced with doubts.

Not the best mindset when you’re in your home for hours on end.

Like a flash of lightning, my mind will switch to overpowering worry and pain. Worrying about the world, worrying about friends and family I can’t see, pain from the loss of those that have left us, pain for those that are struggling to make ends meet, pain for those whose lives were uprooted, pain for those who have lost loved ones… the list goes on.

Then, I look around my home and see my father, mother, sister and brother and feel my heart ache with love and gratitude. I am filled with love for those near me, for those far from me, for those I don’t know and for those I have yet to know.

The whiplash of emotions leaves me about that same at the end of each day: a complex ball of unease. I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know when this will end. I don’t know if there is an end. I don’t know if it should end.

I just know what is.

Life lives. Life dies. Life laughs. Life cries. Life gives up. Life tries. But life looks different in everyone’s eyes. – a quote that my 16-year-old self found quite inspiring, courtesy of Timehop

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